It’s Foster Care Month: Numbers Don’t Matter

The number of followers. The amount of likes. How many views. The tally of total cases. The odds of it happening.

In a world increasingly obsessed with numbers, it can become easy to forget that behind every one of those is a person. Since the COVID-19 pandemic began, we have all been watching numbers more closely. We are waiting for the death toll to start decreasing, for the curve to flatten, all the while still checking our social media accounts relentlessly to stay connected. Maybe, so we can keep feeling seen, and heard.

May is Foster Care Awareness Month. It isn’t the kind of awareness month that has sports teams donning pink accessories or celebrities participating in modern-day telethons. It’s the kind that is felt most deeply by those of us in the weeds of advocacy work and those that this system has impacted personally. Maybe, it’s the numbers. Over half a million children move through our nation’s foster care system in any given year due to abuse and neglect,  a number that appears small in comparison to the number of children who battle life-threatening diseases every year, or the number of children who are living in poverty. But any number in these categories is too many. Though, like most things in our society, it seems that the numbers are what get our attention.

But my hope is that this month we won’t talk much about numbers when it comes to foster care. Instead, I hope we will focus on the individual, brave, resilient and inspiring humans who have been impacted by the chaos and disorder of the child welfare system.

I hope we will ask questions. I hope we will seek out the stories of those that have lived through some of the worst trauma imaginable and came out thriving. We can learn so much from them. They have so much to offer us, this world and themselves. They need to know that.

These extraordinary humans have a resiliency I can’t describe. They keep me fighting every single day to get more people to pay attention to foster care. I got my first glimpse 15 years ago when my husband and I decided to become foster parents with the hopes of adopting a child. Growing up in the suburbs, neither of us had known much about foster care and didn’t really consider it something we needed to know or should care to know until we started to educate ourselves on just how much turmoil the system was in. Children are often separated from siblings, sometimes placed in homes not much better than the ones they left, and move schools so often that their educational disruptions have lasting effects. They are often left feeling like they don’t matter; unseen and unwanted. The trauma that the system inflicts on a child’s psyche is one that cannot easily be healed. But, the beautiful thing is, it can be. But we all need to be a part of that.

My husband and I wanted to be a small part of making a difference. Foster parents, kinship care providers, case workers, social workers, mentors, teachers; all of us make up the network that becomes a substitute family for these children who find their worlds upended due to no fault of their own. But at 18 or 21, depending on the state they live in, many of these young people find that most of these supports dry up when they “age out” of the system set up to raise them.

There are far too many stories of children who end up feeling forgotten, and many don’t have happy endings. After all, fighting is hard work and living life always forging uphill can be exhausting, disheartening and lonely.

This is why I started One Simple Wish. I don’t want people to think about half a million kids in foster care. I want them to think about one. I truly believe we can do so much when we channel our energy this way. Numbers can be overwhelming and they can also be misleading. The size of a problem isn’t always about the number of people it impacts, but the devastation it causes to those it does. Establishing true connection and making real change has always been about our ability to see each other, one to one, as human beings with purpose and value. 

This month our team at One Simple Wish is asking all our supporters, both longtime and brand new, to come together to tell our kids they are seen, they are heard and they are loved. We have been working on compiling videos, photos and messages of encouragement to share with every single human who has ever been touched by the foster care system; whether they are 4, 14 or 40. This video will also serve as a reminder to these brave souls that we are here for them as a resource, no matter how old they get. We want to help them find joy, pursue their passions and fulfill their dreams.

At a time when we are all being asked to give a lot to causes, I’m asking you to consider giving your voice instead. It costs nothing to speak up for someone who may be longing to hear that you care.

To participate in our LovedBy video, visit onesimplewish.org/lovedby

 For more about One Simple Wish, granting wishes, and the amazing humans we speak up for, visit onesimplewish.org.

BEFORE YOU GIVE ONLINE, READ THIS

It doesn’t have to cost you money

As the Founder of One Simple Wish, an online giving platform supporting current and foster youth, I have seen firsthand the massive growth and acceptance of online giving. Over a decade ago, when we first launched, skeptics were certain our society may never be ready to hand over their credit card information online, yet now, it is almost impossible to imagine a world without this type of philanthropy. And, amidst a global pandemic, online giving has proven to be a vital resource in the fight to support our fellow citizens with access to food, technology and so much more.

A day doesn’t seem to go by without being invited to give to a cause; whether through Facebook or GoFundMe, or dozens of other charities and giving platforms. It’s hard to choose where to place your hard-earned and much more limited funds, and even harder to know if you are really putting the money in the place most aligned with your intentions.

Below are some tips I’ve compiled through years of leadership and work in the online giving space. I hope that they will be as helpful to you as they have been to me. If you’d like to add to this list or ask me. My email is below.

1. Set your intention. Much like they do in yoga, it’s always important to start by thinking about who, why and how you want to help. For example, is there a specific group or person you are trying to reach? Do you want your support to be kept local to your area? Do you want control over your gift? Do you expect to hear follow up on how your money was used? Do you want to be personally thanked? These questions will be important to ask yourself before you hand over your donation.

2. Start local, if you can. There are so many people in need right now and it can be overwhelming to determine whose needs are greater or where the needs are greater. The answer to that is; there isn’t an answer. Need is incredibly subjective and should always be looked at with context and perspective. I suggest you start with the people closest to you to make the most substantial impact. If you can help your family, a friend, or a neighbor; do that. Not only will it alleviate the stress they are feeling, but it also alleviates the stress on larger organizations as one less person (or more) will be coming to them for assistance.

3. Do your research, especially if you are going to give to an organization for the first time. Yes, even if Ellen tells you it’s a great cause. There are amazing sites out there that rate nonprofits for everything from efficiently to transparency to effectiveness and more. Guidestar.org is a free resource and it only takes seconds to look up information about a nonprofit. CharityNavigator.org is another incredible site, but keep in mind that it does not rate all charities as they choose only a handful to review periodically. When looking at sites like these, read reviews, look over their financials and if you have questions, ASK THEM. Any reputatable charitable organization will be happy to tell you more about how they operate. There is always a Contact Us section on any charity’s website. Use it.

4. Ask people you trust who they give to and why. Like helping you choose a good restaurant or a great pair of running shoes, your friends and family and the people you trust can be the best source of reliable feedback on giving. You don’t have to get uncomfortable and weird about how much you want to give. Just ask them what their experience was like and go from there.

5. Rethink what “giving” means. Right now there are SO many ways you can give back. One of the most valuable ones is with your time. Zoom, Google Hangout, FaceTime and HouseParty are just a few of the free tools available to help you stay connected or reconnect to the people you care about. That is giving! But you can also take this a step further. Consider inviting a new friend to the group; someone who may be interested in the topics you usually discuss or who likes the same wine as you or just someone you think could use a laugh or some company. Sure, it might be awkward at first, but sometimes the best things are born out of allowing ourselves to be temporarily uncomfortable.

6. If you choose to help someone by fundraising, please ask them and consider the consequences! Many platforms like Facebook and GoFundMe, allow you to create a fundraiser for yourself or someone else. These can be amazing, but they can also be a giant pain in the butt later. First, if the fundraiser is not for you, ask the person who you are doing it for if it’s ok for you to do it. Make sure they know how much they can receive before tax liabilities kick in (ask an accountant!) and also make sure they are comfortable with the fact that their story will be out there for all to see. Sadly, there are lots of trolls online who look for people who are recipients of large fundraisers and begin targeting them for scams. Make sure the person you are helping is aware of this and has a support team to help them if this should occur. Also, set a realistic goal and close the fundraiser when it reaches that goal or slightly surpassing it. A fundraiser meant to raise $10,000 to pay off a bill doesn’t need to then raise $100,000. Yes, it’s amazing. But like cake, think about all the other people who really want a piece. And they deserve the help too. Getting a large sum of money can be wonderful, but, as mentioned above, it can also create tax burdens, exposure to scams and take away from other needs that could be met with the overage. Stick to the plan.

7. Gifting people doesn’t have to go through charity. Another awesome thing about all the tools we have now in our daily lives is that you can use them to gift others with something to brighten their day. Send someone a gift card to GrubHub or DoorDash or UberEats with a “Dinner’s on me!” note. Go to Amazon and send a friend your favorite book. Support small, local shops by gifting friends and family with products from their website. All of this is giving; even if you can’t write it off.

This is just the start. I could talk about this for days. I hope that some of the above tips will be helpful to you in determining where, when and how to give. Most of all, I hope you realize that your ability to give is a gift; whether that is monetary or not. So use it.

I’m not religious, but I end with this quote I love from Matthew 10:8, “Freely you have received, freely give.”

Happy Giving!
-D 

About Danielle Gletow (that’s me!)

As a foster-adoptive parent, Danielle Gletow created One Simple Wish, an innovative online platform that connects current and former foster youth with people who want to help fulfill their critical needs. The organization, which began in her home in 2008, has grown into a multi-million dollar nonprofit that boasts a network of more than 1200 social service agencies in nearly every US state. One Simple Wish has helped over 100,000 kids and young adults impacted by foster care by providing them with essential support including laptops, sports equipment, job training, tuition, arts and music lessons and so much more. OSW’s been featured on Nightline, Good Morning America, NBC, and CNN, among others. Danielle has also been named one of Family Circle’s Most Influential Moms and a Top 10 CNN Hero. In June 2018, Danielle founded Trenton Animals Rock to provide support and medical care to abused, abandoned and injured animals in Trenton, NJ. Danielle currently resides in NJ with her husband, daughters and many dogs. Contact Danielle at danielle@onesimplewish.org

Authentic?

Be your authentic self. I hear that a lot. We all do, right?

But whenever I hear it, the first thought that comes to mind is this: “But what is my authentic self is kind of an asshole?” Because, honestly - I’m fairly certain she is.

Yes, I love people. Yes, I am kind and selfless and also just the right amount of bold for the world to handle. I am careful, but also a risk-taker and I am pretty enough but not too pretty to be unapproachable. I curse, but in that way where people decide that my tattoos and decision to mostly just wear jeans, are enough to justify it. But I am, still, kind of an asshole. And for all the “love is love” and incredibly open and intelligent views I hold I still question things that I’m told a “real feminist” shouldn’t question.

I don’t agree with every single thing the feminist heroes think and say. I don’t particularly care for Elizabeth Warren. I’m torn on Hilary. I sometimes think its ok when an old man says slightly inappropriate things to a woman. It doesn’t ruin my faith in men or humanity. I believe women can and should show up however they want. But I also feel like women, and any human, should expect and prepare for the consequences of showing up that way - because I believe the rest of the world, no matter how much we wish it was, is not completely awake and aware and I’d rather be safe than sorry. And, because, I’ve been “maybe raped” and I feel a little responsible and don’t need anyone to take that away from me. I am ok with owning my part in it and don’t feel like it weakens me. I feel like it is what makes me stronger and will protect me, and my girls, from situations like this in the past. Yes, let’s stop the rapists. But in the meantime, while they still exist, let’s be cautious and do whatever we can to protect ourselves from them. I don’t see the wrong in that.

When I read about women who support women attacking other women because they are not yet as “enlightened” as they are, I cringe. When I see that these same women seem to enjoy when the women on the “other side” get theirs, I cringe. I don’t get this. If it is about believing what we believe and fighting for that - fight for THAT. Not for MY that - yours. I don’t have to agree - that would be inauthentic. And I don’t have to force you to agree either. Also, inauthentic.

I feel torn. I feel like the world that used to tell me that being a woman meant I should be quieter and weaker and make less money is now telling me that I don’t have to be all those things as long as I agree with certain feminist women and everything they stand for and I don’t. I still want to question them too sometimes. And to me, that is authentic. It is authentic to just BE. Be who I am and say what I want and not worry if I fit in any box at all. I don’t have to be all the things that any one club agrees with it. No one should.

I should just be comfortable or uncomfortably comfortable with my own ideas and thoughts and positions. I shouldn’t be afraid to comment on another powerful woman’s thread because “her people” will get me so she doesn’t have to. That’s not freedom. That’s not “woman power”. That’s being clicky and cliche and all the things I thought we were all against.

Man I am tired. How does any woman navigate this space anymore? Can’t we all just let each other breathe? And BE?

Say All The Good Things Out Loud

Today I had to run errands. Oddly enough, I sometimes enjoy Saturdays filled with quick drives to different places. Maybe it’s the time in the car spent rocking out to 90s alternative without the disapproving looks from my daughters in the rear view mirror, or maybe it’s the blissful surge of accomplishment I feel as I check off items from my long-ignored to-do list. Whatever it is, lately, I am loving the Saturdays!

One of my stops today was the bank, a place I rarely visit thanks to mobile apps. I had to do a wire transfer for one of the foundations and I had been putting it off for what I thought was a little over a week but turned out was nearly a month. I was actually excited to go this time though, as the last time I visited this particular PNC branch, one of the tellers was so kind and so thoughtful to each and every customer that I found myself studying her and taking notes.

“This is great customer service.” I quietly told myself. And as she assisted another teller in completing several complex transactions for me, I continued to be amazed with her demeanor. She was calm and clear as she taught him the steps (lots of steps!) and patient when he made mistakes. In between assisting him, she greeting customers BY NAME at the drive-through and even had little personal anecdotes for nearly every one.

 “Back from vacation, I see!” She said and waved and out the window.

“She is the best person at being with the people,” I thought.

And I almost said nothing. I almost left after I was done signing all my documents. But then, I paused and looked around to notice that she was pretty much the only person working there that displayed this impressive behavior. So instead of just chalking it up to a good experience for me, I decided to speak up.

 You see, once my friend Chuck told me I was the best at giving compliments. And I felt like that was one of the best compliments I could’ve ever gotten. I love making people smile. I love telling them why they are uniquely awesome at something, or how a color works so well with their eyes or how they always say the funniest things. I love to tell the people I love what I love about them. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I try to do it every single day.

So, as I stood there in the bank, wires done and ready to leave, I decided, I should do the same for this woman. After all she was clearly unique awesome at this. And maybe no one had told her that today, or this week, or maybe ever. And she should know. She should hear that she was making such a difference by smiling and knowing names and taking it slow while people were learning.

 “Excuse me,” I began, “Are you the Branch Manager?” I asked.

“No, I am not. Is everything ok, because I can get you a manager?” She responded.

“Everything is actually awesome,” I told her, “You should be the Branch Manager. If I had service from this bank like I had from you today, I wouldn’t be switching banks right now.”

She was nearly speechless.

“You are wonderful at your job. You are just wonderful with people. I hope that this place knows how lucky they are to have you.” I continued.

I spoke loudly and looked around, taking note of the other customers and tellers who could hear me.

She thanked me and I left.

Today, I had to go back to that branch because I messed up one of the transfers. I came in and she recognized me right away. She brought me over to an empty desk to help me fix the errors. We talked a bit about the work I did with the two foundations. She was sunny and warm and just as helpful and engaged as I remembered.

“Thank you, by the way” she said. “I am now about to be the Assistant Branch Manager. When you made those comments last time, a lot of people heard and told management. And it made a real difference.”

YAY! I wanted to hug her. Because this is the stuff I live for.

This is the part of life where I get to make sure that other humans see how amazing they are in what seem like such simple ways, but which are not simple because they are changing people’s days and moods and hearts and experiences.

Clearly, I am not the reason she is getting promoted. She is. But maybe it took hearing it from an actual customer for her supervisors to recognize just how important she was to the team, and the company. Maybe others had spoken up too and this just happened to be the one time that put the cherry on top. Whatever the case, thank goodness I didn’t just gather up all of my paperwork and leave.

Can we do something together? All of us! Can we do more of this? Can we decide that from this point forward we are going to say all the good things, all the time, out loud.

Tell the barista who makes your coffee how much you love admiring their penmanship on the cup. Tell your coworker how much you look forward to hearing about their dog’s latest antics over lunch. Tell the person ringing you up at the grocery store that they are the fastest ringer who has ever checked you out. Tell all the great people that you get the privilege to encounter every day, just what you think makes them great.

Because, get this. Maybe no one has ever told them these things matter. Maybe no one has ever made them feel like these seemingly simple things are actually awesome day-changers. Because when someone chooses to take the time to be kind, or extra helpful, or when they have really great style or a wicked sense of a humor or any other admirable quality, we should tell them. We should recognize it and celebrate it and let them know that it has touched us.

I believe this changes people, in big and small ways. I believe that when people feel heard and valued, they decide to speak and do more of the good stuff. And God knows we could use a lot more of the good stuff these days.

So…if you choose to do this, tell me about it. Please! Tell me how you celebrated someone, especially a stranger. In doing that, you’re going to really make my day too!

PS: I think you all have amazing hair and beautiful smiles and the cutest toes ever.

Just Go Say Hello To Her Already

A few months ago I read a heartbreaking and inspiring story about a local woman who had been diagnosed with ALS. I knew of Sara Cooper, but I didn’t know Sara Cooper. Still, in reading her words, I immediately felt a connection to her. This fierce soul was someone I needed to actually know and so I sent her a message on Facebook. 

Over the next few weeks we exchanged messages, likes and comments on social media. But I wanted to sit with her. Her quick wit and commanding presence at a recent awards event captivated me. I didn’t just want to know of her. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to laugh with her in person, not just in emojis. But I was afraid. What if she thought I was some kind of weirdo with a morbid curiosity about a person who was terminally ill? What if I wasn’t nearly as funny as she was? What if I bored her? What if we sat in an odd silence when we met and it was uncomfortable?

And then, I thought about my daughters. At 11 years old they seem to always just dive into situations and relationships with a confidence I cannot imagine possessing. They are kind and welcoming and sure that they are worth the time and attention of pretty much everyone. They don’t cower in corners or wait for people to say hello or ask them to join in on a game. They just do it. Or they start their own game and kindly welcome others into their circle.

But, me? Nope. I’m a lurker. I’ll watch people at networking events and think, “they look like they’re having fun. I wonder what they’re talking about.” But I won’t join them. And somehow I can speak to a crowd of 500 people and not be intimated in the least. I know what I want to say and I know it matters. I have a purpose up there and I feel funny and justified and right where I belong. Why? Probably because I get to get off that stage and walk immediately to people I already know so they can give me a pat on the back and we can go about our day. I don’t have to actually walk up to a person I don’t know and introduce myself. I don’t have to enter a group of already connected people (often women) and wonder if they will like me or hate me or think my dress is ugly. I don’t have to be vulnerable. 

And I have a feeling I’m not the only one. In fact, I know I’m not. 

I finally mustered the courage to ask Sara if she would like to get together in person so I could interview her for a blog I wanted to write about her incredible fight with ALS. She happily agreed and we set up a date. When I arrived I was still super nervous, sure that she wasn’t going to find me nearly as interesting as I found her. But the conversation flowed so effortlessly and beautifully that our time was up before we could even get to all my questions. So we decided, we’ll do this again. 

And there’s more. Sara told me that she had been following me and my work for years; watching me speak and then “work a room” and she wanted to introduce herself and get to know me too but she worried, “Why would she want to talk to me? She’s been on TV.” 

So there we were, two successful, cool, funny women who really wanted to know each other; afraid that that one would think the other was not enough. And now, here we are, realizing that it shouldn’t take a terminal disease to make this happen. 

I’ve decided now that next time I want to get to know someone, I’m going to just go for it. Chances are they are just as worried and awkward as me. And chances also are that we’re both going to end up laughing.

I hope you’ll give it a try too. 

If you like my writing, email me anytime at daniellegletow@gmail.com.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

No Thank You

Me: “When you’re done with that plate, please get up and put it in the kitchen sink.”

7 year-old Mia: “No Thank You”

To this day, nearly five years since she first uttered that phrase, when Mia is confronted with a situation that doesn’t quite suit her, she simply turns to us, looks up (or these days, down) and kindly says, “No, Thank You.”

Even if it wasn’t a suggestion. Or a request. And somehow, every time she declines our direction, she does it in a way that isn’t rude or disrespectful. She genuinely doesn’t want to do it and genuinely doesn’t want to be rude in telling us so.

That leads me to my current situation. I’m 41. I don’t decline anything. I mean, very, very rarely will I say “no” to anything anyone asks of me, regardless of how they ask it, unless my kids need me or I am asleep or it requires me to drive and I’ve had some wine. But lately, as the pressures of running two foundations, a household and a family have mounted and life has thrown me some curve balls both medically and emotionally, I’ve decided maybe, just maybe, Mia has been onto something all along.

When people are mean, I take it. When people are demanding, I take it. When people talk shit behind my back and I literally catch them by seeing it on another person’s phone, I take it. And it’s not because I’m weak or a pushover. It’s truly because I think “I should be the bigger person here. I can handle this. I can handle them. And I should. Because I’ve done mean things and bad things and if this is my punishment, I should just deal with it.”

Do you do that? Do you ever feel like, even if it a particular moment you have done nothing wrong, you have surely done enough wrong in your past to deserve being talked to/treated like/etc whatever nonsense is being thrown at you? Shame? Guilt? Pressure? Passive-aggressiveness?

Because I do. I think constantly about how much wrong I have done before I think at all about how much RIGHT and GOOD I have done. I could end all the wars, feed the world and cure cancer and I’d still say, “well, that one time in high school I was really mean to that girl and maybe it ruined her whole year or life and so I guess I should just hate myself forever and ever until I die.”

Anyone else?

Well – last week – I kind of stopped this. Not totally, but a little bit. I decided to be more like my 11 year-old daughter than my 41 year-old self. I decided to say, “No Thank You.”

Because someone else’s crappy demeanor, unwarranted judgement and unrealistic expectations should not be my cross to bear. Man, I have enough of my own. And I’m sure you do too. These situations actually don’t require me to comply and while I wish Mia would sometimes consider a “sure, no problem” rather than a “No Thank You” when I ask her to go take a shower, I respect her voicing her displeasure and disinterest in what I’m bringing to the table. She speaks up.

I’m doing something right with these kids.

So, I’m going to keep trying this. Whenever I feel like I’m being disrespected, disregarded or just plain shit-on, I’m going to go with this: “No Thank You”.

Because, man, I do enough of that to myself. I don’t need people in my life to add to it. None of us do.

And by the way, this isn’t giving my kid a pass. We kindly, and firmly, remind her that sometimes cleaning up (her dishes or her body) may not be what she feels like doing in that exact moment but it is, in fact, necessary – for her well-being and all of ours. And when we are kind in our reminders, she gets up, and she gets it done.

And maybe that is another lesson right there…we could all use more kindness, to others, and to ourselves.

The Good Towel

Whenever I am about to grab a towel, I always pause for a minute.  

“Grab the small one,” I tell myself, even if it isn’t the one on top. The big, fluffy expensive towels aren’t for me. They are too comfy and I should leave them for someone else.  

The other day I caught myself saying, “I run a nonprofit – a national one,” on at least three different occasions throughout the day. I then launched into all of the successes, carefully mentioning how much we’ve raised, the media we’ve had, etc, etc, etc. I think I saw someone roll their eyes. 

And then I came home and I wrapped my arms around my daughters and told them how amazing they were before retreating to my home office, making sure to take in my beautiful surroundings before I melted into my chair to get to work.

Because I always have to get to work. Because if I don’t do the work, if I don’t earn this house, this life, this love…every day…I am frantic. I can’t make sense of any of it. 

That towel. That soft, fluffy, comfortable towel. The good one. It’s not for me. It’s for the rest of them. My extraordinary, innocent, beautiful kids and my kind-hearted, humble, incredible husband, and the guests, the good people.  

But never for me.

This has been my internal mantra for as long as I can remember. I am not enough. I am not smart enough. I am not kind enough. I have not done enough. I am not skinny enough. My nose is off-centered and big and bubbly and, if only it were symmetrical, the cameras would capture my heart better and more people would listen and follow my lead and I could do more good.

I would earn this.

But it’s always the same. I am always too much of this or not enough of that and then I just have to work harder. Because I cannot believe, for all I have done, that I have earned that comfort. Not yet.

So – if you hear me “bragging”, or explaining, and you feel like you just want to roll your eyes or assume I’m arrogant, I hope you’ll think of this. I don’t ever feel like I deserve this. So I have to remind myself of what I’ve done, of what I have overcome.

Because if I don’t remind myself of what I have already done, I simply can’t do anything more.

And if this has been your mantra, my heart is breaking for you. Because I know how ridiculous this is.

Please. Grab the comfy towel! You are enough. Just as you are. For what you have done and haven’t done and who you are and who you are still becoming. And if you grab that towel, even once, you give all of us permission to do the same. And my goodness, we all deserve it. And someday, I pray, I will feel like I do too.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Yesterday a woman asked about bras and it made me cry

Yesterday, as the New England Patriots were pretty much destroying the Chargers, I drifted into Facebook land and mindlessly began scrolling through my news feed. Profile pic comparisons. Memes. Food. Babies. More memes. More profile pic comparisons.

Then I read this:

“Anyone else have teen girls? My fd14 (fd=foster daughter) really needs a few new bras. While doing the laundry I seen hers were in bad shape. She's only been with us a few weeks. I asked her what size she wore and she had no idea. All the bras she has range from b to dd. She's never been sized for one or how one properly fits. How do I get a correct size for her ? I've heard good and bad reviews from Victoria's secret. I don't know how to approach this ?

Thanks from a struggling new teen Mom”

I was immediately touched so deeply by what this foster mom was trying to do for her foster daughter. And, what followed this woman’s post, inspired me even more. Dozens of women chimed in; each of them sharing a tip, a website, a store that would provide a good fitting. Some were funny. Every one of them was encouraging. This mama got what she needed and then some. Nearly 100 supportive responses rallying around her and her teen.

I loved every second of it. It even made me cry a bit.

Because growing up is tough. Growing up a girl is really tough. And growing up a girl in foster care, well, I can’t even imagine how tough that must be. So much about your body, and your mind, is changing. It’s hard to explain and even harder to understand when you’re going through it. On top of that you are not home, you are not surrounded by what is familiar. You may be separated from your siblings and school friends. And what usually helps is having someone close to you to guide you, to talk you through some of the awkwardness and answer those questions that you’re sort of embarrassed to ask.

I have two daughters of my own; both beginning the path towards womanhood, and we’ve talked, pretty openly, about all of it. It’s been awkward at times, but we’ve powered (and giggled) through it. I’ve been so relieved knowing we have each other at a time that can be so confusing and uncomfortable and even a little scary.

My heart aches for the young girls who are going through this time in their life without a person like this woman. A woman who cared so much about getting this right that she was brave enough to admit she didn’t know the answer and needed help. She didn’t share her daughter’s name. She was discreet and sincere.

I want this for every girl. I want each of them to know that there is a fiercely protective and incredibly knowledgeable and genuine team of warrior women out there who would love to help them navigate the waters of growing up a girl.

I hope more people like this awesome foster mama feel brave enough to ask these kinds of questions. I hope they all get their answers.

And, I hope that every girl in foster care that could use One Simple Wish to help ease them into whatever transition they are facing, knows that they can count on us - anytime. We’ll be sending this foster mama and her teen on a shopping & lunch date. We hope it helps them bond and mark an important moment in their relationship.

If you know of a teen in foster care that could use One Simple Wish, please contact me ANYTIME.

Here’s to the village it takes to raise a child. I’m so proud and honored to be part of it.

-D

Photo Credit: Photo by Brad Lloyd on Unsplash

A Girl No One Would Adopt

Originally published July 10, 2014

She is 15 years old and she’s angry. Her nose is self-pierced; her hair is pink and black and very long and ratty. She curses too much and she has very little respect for authority. Her legs are covered in thin lines, some scars and some fresh, jagged cuts made from a razor blade.

She cares way more about her abusive boyfriend than her schoolwork and she’s very close to failing out. She is on three different medications to treat depression. She has tried to commit suicide twice already. Currently, she lives in a treatment facility with other kids who have all but given up on themselves.

I didn’t meet this young girl touring the country meeting children who are waiting to be adopted. I’ve known her all my life. This little girl was me in 1993.

Fast forward 21 years and I am a proud wife of nearly 10 years, a doting mom of 2 beautiful 6 year-old girls and I run a fast-growing, million-dollar nonprofit. I’ve been featured on NBC Nightly News, Katie Couric and I was a 2013 Top 10 CNN Hero. (Anderson Cooper even told me he was a fan!) I’ve given a talk at TEDx and I’ve traveled more than 20,000 miles granting wishes to thousands of kids in foster care. People from all over the world write to me to tell me that my work, my life, inspires them to do more, to do better.

But I am still medicated — down from three to one. I still suffer daily from bouts of anxiety and occasionally deep depression. Sometimes I turn to alcohol to get through a tough day. When times are really hard I still have to remind myself that cutting my legs is not going to solve anything. But still, I am thriving. I am successful, smart, fulfilled and helpful.

So how come no one gave up on me all those years ago? How did I get here?

This summer as I’m traveling all over this beautiful and diverse country of ours, I am meeting kids who are a lot like me. They are scared, they are a little lost and they are unsure of who they are or why things have happened to them. They don’t know how to process their rage or their insecurities. They don’t trust people.

But unlike me they don’t have a loving mother who sits up with them throughout the night when the pain is unbearable and unexplainable, a mother who will just hold them while they cry and tell them the pain will go away. They don’t have parents vetting countless doctors and pushing back on excessive medications or treatments that aren’t making things better.

Instead they have a file. These children are labeled; identified by disorders that would scare anyone, especially someone looking to bring a child into their home. They are fire starters and sexually inappropriate and chronically depressed and hyperactive. They are profiles on paper or computer screens.

What if that had been me? What if I hadn’t had a mother and a father who told me daily that I was beautiful and bigger than my illness? What if I hadn’t had my sisters to laugh with every day and to grow up with and look up to and to mentor? No one gave up on me then and they still haven’t.

The children I am meeting are so much more than you can read about in a therapist or caseworker’s report. They are more than what has happened to them in the past. They are more than their behaviors and their illnesses and their diagnoses. They can be the next mothers, fathers, business owners, doctors, teachers, scholars and soldiers. These children are me...they are just waiting for their someone to believe in them enough to support them and advocate for them and most importantly, they need someone they can trust won’t ever give up on them.

No person is easily explained. No photo or bio can tell you who someone really is. So I want to challenge all of you who have decided that children in foster care are “broken” or “needy” or “too much to handle” to look beyond what you can read on our website or any other adoption or foster care website.

Get to know a foster child. Look into becoming a foster parent. Look into becoming a Court Appointed Special Advocate. Look into adopting.

Imagine how much progress the children could make if we gave each of them the voice, the shoulder and the hope that I had. Love is a powerful thing. It heals, it empowers and it truly saves. And I know there are plenty of you reading this that have lots of extra love to share.