Be your authentic self. I hear that a lot. We all do, right?
But whenever I hear it, the first thought that comes to mind is this: “But what is my authentic self is kind of an asshole?” Because, honestly - I’m fairly certain she is.
Yes, I love people. Yes, I am kind and selfless and also just the right amount of bold for the world to handle. I am careful, but also a risk-taker and I am pretty enough but not too pretty to be unapproachable. I curse, but in that way where people decide that my tattoos and decision to mostly just wear jeans, are enough to justify it. But I am, still, kind of an asshole. And for all the “love is love” and incredibly open and intelligent views I hold I still question things that I’m told a “real feminist” shouldn’t question.
I don’t agree with every single thing the feminist heroes think and say. I don’t particularly care for Elizabeth Warren. I’m torn on Hilary. I sometimes think its ok when an old man says slightly inappropriate things to a woman. It doesn’t ruin my faith in men or humanity. I believe women can and should show up however they want. But I also feel like women, and any human, should expect and prepare for the consequences of showing up that way - because I believe the rest of the world, no matter how much we wish it was, is not completely awake and aware and I’d rather be safe than sorry. And, because, I’ve been “maybe raped” and I feel a little responsible and don’t need anyone to take that away from me. I am ok with owning my part in it and don’t feel like it weakens me. I feel like it is what makes me stronger and will protect me, and my girls, from situations like this in the past. Yes, let’s stop the rapists. But in the meantime, while they still exist, let’s be cautious and do whatever we can to protect ourselves from them. I don’t see the wrong in that.
When I read about women who support women attacking other women because they are not yet as “enlightened” as they are, I cringe. When I see that these same women seem to enjoy when the women on the “other side” get theirs, I cringe. I don’t get this. If it is about believing what we believe and fighting for that - fight for THAT. Not for MY that - yours. I don’t have to agree - that would be inauthentic. And I don’t have to force you to agree either. Also, inauthentic.
I feel torn. I feel like the world that used to tell me that being a woman meant I should be quieter and weaker and make less money is now telling me that I don’t have to be all those things as long as I agree with certain feminist women and everything they stand for and I don’t. I still want to question them too sometimes. And to me, that is authentic. It is authentic to just BE. Be who I am and say what I want and not worry if I fit in any box at all. I don’t have to be all the things that any one club agrees with it. No one should.
I should just be comfortable or uncomfortably comfortable with my own ideas and thoughts and positions. I shouldn’t be afraid to comment on another powerful woman’s thread because “her people” will get me so she doesn’t have to. That’s not freedom. That’s not “woman power”. That’s being clicky and cliche and all the things I thought we were all against.
Man I am tired. How does any woman navigate this space anymore? Can’t we all just let each other breathe? And BE?