Whenever I am about to grab a towel, I always pause for a minute.
“Grab the small one,” I tell myself, even if it isn’t the one on top. The big, fluffy expensive towels aren’t for me. They are too comfy and I should leave them for someone else.
The other day I caught myself saying, “I run a nonprofit – a national one,” on at least three different occasions throughout the day. I then launched into all of the successes, carefully mentioning how much we’ve raised, the media we’ve had, etc, etc, etc. I think I saw someone roll their eyes.
And then I came home and I wrapped my arms around my daughters and told them how amazing they were before retreating to my home office, making sure to take in my beautiful surroundings before I melted into my chair to get to work.
Because I always have to get to work. Because if I don’t do the work, if I don’t earn this house, this life, this love…every day…I am frantic. I can’t make sense of any of it.
That towel. That soft, fluffy, comfortable towel. The good one. It’s not for me. It’s for the rest of them. My extraordinary, innocent, beautiful kids and my kind-hearted, humble, incredible husband, and the guests, the good people.
But never for me.
This has been my internal mantra for as long as I can remember. I am not enough. I am not smart enough. I am not kind enough. I have not done enough. I am not skinny enough. My nose is off-centered and big and bubbly and, if only it were symmetrical, the cameras would capture my heart better and more people would listen and follow my lead and I could do more good.
I would earn this.
But it’s always the same. I am always too much of this or not enough of that and then I just have to work harder. Because I cannot believe, for all I have done, that I have earned that comfort. Not yet.
So – if you hear me “bragging”, or explaining, and you feel like you just want to roll your eyes or assume I’m arrogant, I hope you’ll think of this. I don’t ever feel like I deserve this. So I have to remind myself of what I’ve done, of what I have overcome.
Because if I don’t remind myself of what I have already done, I simply can’t do anything more.
And if this has been your mantra, my heart is breaking for you. Because I know how ridiculous this is.
Please. Grab the comfy towel! You are enough. Just as you are. For what you have done and haven’t done and who you are and who you are still becoming. And if you grab that towel, even once, you give all of us permission to do the same. And my goodness, we all deserve it. And someday, I pray, I will feel like I do too.